I’ve lost time—so much freaking time—memories, and happiness.
From now on, the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life will be a day of mourning. Of profound sadness.
I've been there too, Elisa. I read once somewhere a long time ago that we create not just shared memories with a spouse but our brains actually come to depend on them to hold things and so, when we lose them, that feeling of losing a part of ourselves, our memories, our experiences is not just emotional, it's physiological too. That brought me some...relief? I'm not sure exactly, but it helped the enormous pain make more sense. Sending you such big hugs.
It really is. Every level imaginable. I remember driving away from my therapist's office and feeling like all my bones were breaking. The loss and separation were such deep physicals pains as well. I'm the one who decided to leave and it was still the more horrible thing. I will say this, I think you can have both - the joy that was your wedding day, because that is a real, tangible thing that happened and it was joyful, AND you can have the pain and anger and grief and rage and whatever else there is - at the same time. I think that's one of the craziest things about being human, that's it's often two ends of the spectrum at the same time and we're told it's supposed to be on or the other. You can't grieve and also experience joy, which I believe is just not true.
The thing is you DID go to the conference. It was a sign of survival. Your instinct is to survive and push through, even if it doesn't seem as present as intended. Something good comes of that instead of shutting it out. Incremental is OK. And yes, look for the joy wherever you can.
This:
I’ve not only lost my spouse.
I’ve also lost my best friend.
I’ve lost his family and friends.
I’ve lost time—so much freaking time—memories, and happiness.
From now on, the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life will be a day of mourning. Of profound sadness.
I've been there too, Elisa. I read once somewhere a long time ago that we create not just shared memories with a spouse but our brains actually come to depend on them to hold things and so, when we lose them, that feeling of losing a part of ourselves, our memories, our experiences is not just emotional, it's physiological too. That brought me some...relief? I'm not sure exactly, but it helped the enormous pain make more sense. Sending you such big hugs.
Jocelyn, thank you so much. This has absolutely been a loss on every level, so it's validating to know that it's not me being histrionic. <3
(And I am staunchly, stubbornly refusing to let it rob me of the joy that was my wedding day.)
It really is. Every level imaginable. I remember driving away from my therapist's office and feeling like all my bones were breaking. The loss and separation were such deep physicals pains as well. I'm the one who decided to leave and it was still the more horrible thing. I will say this, I think you can have both - the joy that was your wedding day, because that is a real, tangible thing that happened and it was joyful, AND you can have the pain and anger and grief and rage and whatever else there is - at the same time. I think that's one of the craziest things about being human, that's it's often two ends of the spectrum at the same time and we're told it's supposed to be on or the other. You can't grieve and also experience joy, which I believe is just not true.
Thank you so much for that. ❤️
❤️❤️
The thing is you DID go to the conference. It was a sign of survival. Your instinct is to survive and push through, even if it doesn't seem as present as intended. Something good comes of that instead of shutting it out. Incremental is OK. And yes, look for the joy wherever you can.
Thank you, my friend. ❤️